|
I saw the first star... I will see the last... but this life has no worth to me now... It is only a series of painful experiences, highlighted by my own inadequacies, and failures, which follow me through time till my life is dissipated in the energy of the Universe, and I cease to feel anymore... I will lapse into eternity, and at last sleep the dreamless sleep of death. The depth of each hurt is diminished through time, because of the sheer magnitude and number of those hurts. Each painful episode, magnified at the time it occurs, and diminished in time, because of new more painful hurts, some worse than others, but all taken together, enough to overwhelm and crush the most resilient of hearts. This is all too much for me, I am overwhelmed... The thoughts are driving me out of my own mind... crowding in to take over and make me who I was... that horrid, vile, self absorbed horror who I was... When all I desire is to once again sense the spirit of the one who loved me, with compassion, and abiding love, who held out to me the tender tendrils of her precious passion, and yielded to me that love which I craved. How I am now consumed by my guilt, wracked by my pain, and horrified by my spirit, and the blood of the many who cry out for my soul, the destruction of my soul. No, forgiveness can not change what was done, my spirit is bound, and I am carried along on the tide of time to that ultimate destruction which was named the day I was created. For I live to the end, and I die once again, and the little death of sleep brings no succor, as I am slowly devoured by the demons inside, who are of my own making, and seek to destroy the little peace I have left. I am bound for destruction, and driven to it. My mind has no worth, and my heart is corrupt, so I pass away time, while I live in this body, wasting... ever wasting... never seeing the light, for the darkness has overshadowed me... the ever-present darkness has draped its cape over me, and I am in blackness... foul stench of hell, birthed in its pits, fumes reaching up as tendrils, filling my senses, and devouring all that is left of goodness within me. Wretched wretch that I am, I am driven by my lust for blood, for nothing satisfies, nothing at all, no pleasure, no pain, no honor, no shame... nothing satisfies, so again I seek that which sustains me... which alone assuages the pain for a moment, as I burn in passion for the only thing I have never had... Cutting, slashing, biting, ripping, rending... I destroy my flesh, I flail it again and again, but my soul continues, my filthy soul, full of putrefaction, the stench of death incarnate and the blackness of one who has no hope.
Deliver me my love...
|